Disclaimer: This blog does not replace the need for depressed and anxious patients to consult with their doctor. People, their situations, and needs vary. Medication and even admission are considerations for some patients.
After an armed robbery at my medical practice in December 2018, my lifelong anxiety journey reached a peak. Three months later, I started psychotherapy.
I will review methods on how to calm anxiety at home by changing your thoughts.
This blog is inspired by the book ‘The Body Keeps the Score,’ my psychologist AM, and two powerful TED talks.
I have six take-home messages from these inspirational people:
- Don’t force positivity
- Acknowledge your feelings and emotions
- Accept that shit happens
- Focus on things you can change, not those you cannot
- Find the good in your life
- Ask if something is helpful or harmful
Inspiration for points 1 and 2 are from Susan David, Bessel van der Kolk, and AM.
Points 3, 4, 5, and 6 are courtesy of Lucy Hone.
I’ll post both TED talk videos, ‘The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage’ and ‘3 Secrets of Resilient People’ in the references. Watch them; they are life-changing, and your message might differ. Also, invest in a copy of Bessel van der Kolk’s ‘The Body Keeps the Score‘ if you have long-term anxiety.
Also read: My post on lifestyle and environmental changes to aid anxiety – How To Stop Feeling Anxious For No Reason ∣ 10 Tips
6 ideas on how to calm anxiety at home
1. Don’t force positivity
Susan David explains this beautifully, “Don’t embrace false positivity.”
She says that only dead people never
- feel inconvenienced by their feelings,
- get stressed,
- experience broken hearts, or
- know the disappointment that comes with failure.
It’s not necessary to put on a brave face all the time.
“I have learnt that looking on the bright side and pretending to be okay can be detrimental. Denial traps negativity. Leaving it to simmer under the surface and eventually boil over.”
This leads to the next point.
2. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions
Introspection is the first step in ‘agency.’
What is ‘agency,’ you may ask? It is a technical term for the feeling of being in charge of your life. 1
This is one of the key points that my psychologist AM has repeated over the years. She explains that you do not need to rationalize or fix feelings. You do not need to feel guilty about feeling angry or disappointed.
Emotions are data.
Susan David
Dr van der Kolk explains the concept of emotional data. Knowing what we feel is the first step to knowing why we feel that way.
I recently left my medical practice after 20 years. Even though it was my decision, I spun around in an emotional washing machine. I was one big tangled mess and felt a little crazy.
I started seeing AM again. She reassured me that I was completely normal. Any transitions−endings, or beginnings−are fraught with feelings.
She suggested documenting my feelings during a workday to acknowledge and accept them.
16th August 2023 feelings between 5 am and 3 pm as listed in my notes:
- Fearful
- Loved
- Terror-filled
- Confused
- Valued
- Panicy
- Privileged
- Calm
- Overwhelmed
- Loved
- Irritated
- Winded
- Desperate
- Hopeful
- Drowning
- Appreciated
- Drowning
- Relieved
Seeing these written down helped me to hang out the individual emotional laundry items. I could fold them neatly and pack them into manageable piles.
“I saw that each negative feeling, although intense and overwhelming for a while, passed.”
I didn’t feel so crazy anymore.
This is called mindfulness.
“Being able to hover calmly and objectively over our thoughts, feelings, and emotions… It puts us in touch with the transitory nature of our feelings.”
Bessel van der Kolk
Body awareness, in a similar way, focuses on the fact that the physical manifestations of anxiety are also short-lived. 1
3. Accept that shit happens
This is easier said than done. We all find ourselves asking, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”
Suffering is part of every human existence.
Lucy Hone
Recently, I missed a flight connection from Sao Paulo to Johannesburg. What should have been one 9-hour flight turned into two flights and the longest layover of my life. To get to Sao Paulo, I had already been traveling for 11 hours. 44 hours in total.
“Of course I was angry, but harping on why it happened to me would have made an unimaginable situation even more unbearable.”
Life is difficult for almost everyone. Good people must deal with unfair situations, trauma, and bad luck.
Accept this fact; (try to) stop questioning why.
By doing this, you take control. Anxiety exits, and calm enters.
4. Focus on things you can change, not the things you cannot
Everyday examples that might apply to you:
- Don’t torment yourself with thoughts that your spouse might cheat on you; work on strengthening your relationship instead.
- Don’t worry about whether the job interview will be hard; focus on preparing for it.
- If the thought of a dinner party causes anxiety, don’t avoid entertaining at home. Prepare meals in advance or serve tried and trusted recipes, making it easier.
- Try not to feel overwhelmed by climate change, pollution, or litter. Do your small part by recycling and volunteering with community clean-ups.
5. Find the good in your life
Every day, list three good things that have happened to you.
Lucy Hone reminds us of this. It is a tool AM suggests. I am sure you have also heard this before on social media, but it has a scientific origin. In 2005, Seligman M. et al. found that over a 6-month study, this improved happiness and mood.
6. Ask if something is helpful or harmful
I agree with Lucy Hone that this is the strongest tool of all.
For those anxiety sufferers who have spirals, stop and ask yourself, “Will this lead to more anxiety, or will this help to calm me?“
Ask yourself this question before doing anything: while messaging, during conversations, and before actioning.
- Will another cup of coffee help me push through this work or stimulate more anxiety?
- Is another glass of wine a good idea? Or will it put my guard down, and I say something I regret?
- Should I carry on with this conversation now? I’m angry; should I take some time to calm down?
- Is a party on a weeknight a good idea?
- How is reading the news going to make me feel?
Susan David, Lucy Hone, and AM agree that life is not a perfect social media feed; Life is challenging. There is, unfortunately, no way around that.
You need skills to get you over the hurdles. That is the key to happiness.
Taking control by changing the way you think is only one strategy. Learning to dampen the physical reactions caused by anxiety will further empower you on the journey to a happy life. That is the topic of How To Stop Feeling Anxious For No Reason ∣ 10 Tips.
References:
1. Van Der Kolk. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score
2. Susan David
3. Lucy Hone
